Well, if you read my articles on a regular basis, you know that the give-away is in the title. But seriously. Anger is a huge issue these days. Is it more than other years? That’s really not the issue if you are around a child who has major anger issues.

As in most things, anger issues are multi-factorial.

Any one, two or three things may push it up the heat thermometer, but it is the aggregate of 7′s, 8′s and more that bring you into the sphere of danger.

So how do we go from: “No! You’re not listening to me!!!” (for the one hundredth time) to smashed walls, kicked-in TV’s and worse. It is all about interaction. If neither side feels like they are getting their message across nor both sides feels they know what the other is going to say and you’ve heard it all before, then you are in a mobius loop of unpleasant mood.

Here are three guidelines for changing the dynamics and having a (sometimes) good home:

A new way to communicate:

In the following exercise, make sure to take turns being the listener or the speaker. Whichever you begin with, do the whole process before changing roles.

1) Listen without interruption. Listen with intention. Avoid any non-verbal cues that are anything but helpful. Your goal is to hear the speaker as if you have never heard them before or know their history.

2) Repeat back what you have heard in your own words. Do not add comments. Ask if what you heard is correct and let the speaker correct or change as they choose and repeat back again their changes.

3) Sympathise on how they feel. This is not about right or wrong. This is about hearing them and their point of view. The truth is, the gap between parents and children has never been greater thanks to the breakneck pace of change the world has entered.

4) Validate. Let them know how it makes sense how they would feel like they do coming from their state of mind.

A new place to connect:

This process should take place in an infrequent place (like a basement couch, some chairs in the hallway; some place that you guys have never, ever yelled in.

A new time to communicate:

This process should be tried in calmer times, not when the common poop hits the fan.

Expect it to take around 12 weeks to build the mutual listening skills.

Once it has taken hold, you can try a time out in a heated moment to try the system and if at first it doesn’t succeed, keep trying.

One final note:- In regards to this column’s title: you can’t control your teens anything but you can inspire them to connect by making scenarios occur that allow each of you the chance to listen and be heard.