Everybody must know somebody who is in the wrong relationship. So how come we never know it are us? It’s as though our powers of insight suddenly dessert us and we find ourselves severely asking the girl who does the photocopying “do you think I’m in the right relationship?” Here’s a quick checklist of tell tale signs that things are not as they should be.

Relationship or Partnership

Firstly let’s remind ourselves that a healthy intimate relationship is a partnership. Now, partnerships come in all shapes and sizes but whether you are the other side of the world, or living in each others pockets there should be a definite sense of “we’re both in this together”, rather than a tense feeling of not knowing what the other is doing… or why? If you are prone to suddenly getting things like your husband actually does have a previous wife, talks fluent Cantonese or has secret gambling debts, then you might well be in the wrong relationship.

Recently a woman asked me whether she thought it was normal for her husband to buy a house without her knowing... well, do you. Exactly. But, this woman was no fool. In fact she was and still is a bright and intelligent business lawyer. It’s just that, as we all know, when it comes to our own relationship the girl in photocopying has a better idea than us, no matter who we are.

Quiet Is Far From Golden

Have you stopped talking to each other? My old manager who had the unenviable job of making sure I was therapy successfully once told me “if they are still talking there’s hope, even if they’re yelling at each other there’s hope, but if they sit in silence glaring at you, charge them double and cancel the next session”. Admittedly he was a bit old school, but basically he was right.

Conversation, especially when things go wrong is a basic need of making a relationship work. Even if it’s screaming and shouting, at least there is some energy, some passion. The tell tale sign of relationship death is the heavy and unmistakable silence of defeat.

Approval or the Hangover Syndrome

Hands up who is constantly getting told off by their partner. I don’t mean the occasional nag to do the hovering but a feeling that whatever, whatever you do is just plain wrong. Have you seen that bit in the film The Hangover where Stud the dentist is preparing to leave for his trip? His wife is plain horrible. Almost everything he does is wrong, and she places endless demands upon him, “do this, do that, ring me then”. There is little, if any, sense of acceptance or tenderness between them. If you fall into this category, if you identify with poor old Stud, if there is no healthy give and take, then you may well be in the wrong relationship.