My family and friends often felt it essential to remind me of how “lucky” I was to be in such an amazing situation. As they defined my life, I clung to every word hoping to feel the same sense of “luck” that they had recognized for me. I wanted their understanding of my life to be my reality, but it was far from it. However, I must admit that I myself considered the hype at times and on the many occasions that I didn’t, I quickly told myself to stop being so ungrateful. My husband was bending over backwards to provide for his family by any means essential. Who was I to be so damn unappreciative?

My heart led me through 17 years of marriage taking precedent to instinct, spirituality and common sense. I am a true believer of placing 100 % into anything that I do and my wedding was no exception. Besides, I had dreamt of being a wife since I was a small girl. Now as a woman who had perfected the art of being a loving, submissive, caring wife, with skills in the kitchen and the bed room along with how to books and lessons learned from a previous marriage, how could I go wrong? I am going to be the Best Wife Ever, I told personally.

Right away, my husband took his role as the company, protector and King of our “Castle”. This was a role that he allocated himself as it was determined through bible verses that the man is the head of the household. If only I read the scripture in its entirety. Also my husband had an old school view pointed apparently “He paid the cost to be the boss“. So as everyone took their tasks, it was apparent that these positions were permanent and changing them even on a temporary basis was not up for discussion. I was designated to rear the children into wonderful, respectable adults, but the King resided over everyone and ultimately made the final decisions, whatever he said would be determined law. This was not a problem for me because I had been taught that a household without the existence of a man was doomed and that the children would become statistics.

Now that you are familiar with the structure of our “Castle” Without going through all of the details of my royal agreement, or boring you with a bunch of would a, could a, should a. I will share with you a few lessons that I have learned about marriage, headship, and instinct. It took me 17 years to see factors from the viewpoint that I have now, but better late than never. God has absolutely put people in my life who have given me the insight and courage to realize that Love is not supposed to hurt. No pain, no gain only performs in the gym.

Lesson # 1 – Believe in your instincts. If someone enters into your life and immediately begin to change things and/or lay down the law, don’t be flattered, be involved. No one should walk in modifying your wardrobe, your friends, you religion, etc. This is managing behavior, do not allow it.

Lesson #2 – Don’t compromise your spirituality, family, or friends for anyone. When you do this, you are not showing your love; you are allowing yourself to be isolated. Solitude leads to low-self esteem and a sense of vulnerability. Keep good people close to you and connect with them often. Do not let your spouse convince you that they are not good for you. You know if they are or not. This too is control.

Lesson #3 – Disciplining children should be a shared liability. If your spouse constantly belittles you or overrules your choices in front of the children, this is a sign of disrespect and control. Do not allow this. You will regret it later as he/she begins to take away more and more power leaving you without a voice.

Lesson #4 – There is NO reason for anyone to hit, push, bully or threaten you. Name calling, violence, and promiscuity in what is considered to be a monogamous relationship is a form of disrespect and abuse as well.

Lesson #5 – No matter what you have gone through or how long you have gone through it, you are not required to stay in an abusive relationship of any kind. Do not let fear, shame, feelings, kids, or money keep you in an abusive relationship. If you are a Christian and you think God would not approve of you leaving a toxic wedding, you need to re-visit your scriptures. God is a loving God and he wants you to be satisfied and safe.